A Revelation

23:32

I had  a strong urge to wake up. I haven’t got a shower today and my body felt kinda itchy. And yes, I wanted to know the result of his exam.

23:38

I stepped my feet into the bath tub. I took a shower. And I couldn’t help it. I bursted into tears. Instantly, I knew what the result would be.

23:47

I took my laptop and go down stair. I am writing this.

I still feel like crying.

Alhamdullilah ya Allah. Matur suksma ya Ida Shang Hyang Widhi Wasa.

Faith is to believe something you can’t see. And I have grown it stronger another time.

After all this time, the support I have tried to provide him, to have become his follower and listen to his directions and commands, to silently kill boredom, tiredness, and expectations myself, to dedicate fasts and japa…

After six years of waiting.

Gratitude expresses itself by this flowing tear.  I know that You never foresees me. I know that this time will arrive for him to open his heart and be a better partner, a better father, a better leader, a better person. I know that this time will come for him to see me better and allow me to have my share too. That this life is not always about him.

It’s you. You always know the best timing. Everything has been, is, and will always be perfect.

03:35

I check his e-mail another time. The result has just been there. He passed.

THANK YOU, Ida. 💞

 

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I Am Blue

You paint my color blue. Get mesmerized by the beauty you perceive is apparent in me. “It is your true color”, the echoing words you speak out loud in my ears.

This blue makes me feel so blue. If it’s beauty, why then I lose the sense of joy? Shouldn’t beauty, just like love, make me feel like a sunbeam touching my heart, make the world stop revolving for a minute as it is dancing freely under the sun?

“Trust me.”

The sky and the sea, blue does make them look enchanting and hypnotizing. I want to be as limitless as the sky, as vast and extravagant as the sea, but I am what I am. None of them I am and should be. I just – shouldn’t be blue.

“You are blue because you are blue.”

That feeling – when I should be no one but the very self I found when I closed my eyes and felt my breath. I am missing it. I am just blue – inside, outside. I am too overwhelmed by this change. Is it my fate to be blue? Is fate cruel enough to force me dispossessing self-love I have built all this time?

“Be blue.”

Stop forcing me. Your doctrine is of no use. You make me even feel more uncomfortable being blue. I know I should not have trusted you from the beginning. I should not have let you change my color. I should have stuck with the old me. I am not blue. I know I am meant to be yellow, like the color of the bedazzled twinkling stars at night or the glare of the sun, the giver of life, as it salutes me in the morning.

“You are now blue. No escape, fortunately.”

Fortunately – I think you missed the prefix ‘un’. I hate you. Get away. I have followed the wrong voice. I will not allow you to drive my course anymore.

I sober. I keep on asking and the answers keep changing from moment to moment, but nothing can stop me from throwing questions. The more I ask, the more I feel like I am closer to get the correct answer – the truth? But, I know I am actually going nowhere.

I finally decide to walk to the tall mirror in my room. I need to summon my strength to embrace the person I am going to see there, thus I have my eyes closed. Inhale deeply, exhale fully – I unconsciously let myself surrender. As I open my eyes, I am surprised to discover the feeling of peace and joy. I begin to touch every inch of my blue, sprinkling it with love. I slow down, I dwell in the activity of experiencing, nothing comes in my head, neither judgment nor expectation. I just be. I am blue – nothing more, nothing less. Isn’t it very intriguing, that after my long inquests, my incessant accusations, the truth reveals itself in the most unexpected way, the most unutterable form, simply when I am able to listen in silent. When I somehow forget about the existence of time, there is neither beginning nor ending – I lose the urge to strive.

“One less experience and you wouldn’t be you. You are not cultivating anything, you are only discovering. Enjoy yellow,” I hear your whisper as you are fading away from my view with your mysterious smile.

 

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Happy 25th Birthday Dear Soul Sister, Agnes Pranindita.

This is my promise to you together with my response to your question: “when you can’t seem to find the answers to your questions about life, will you stop asking?”

 

Love & Light, as always.

 

 

The Options

You always have options.
To listen or not to listen to those little voices.

You always have options.
To be or not to be yourself.

You always have options.
To ignore or not to ignore what your mind says about what other may think about you being yourself.

You always have options.
Be mindful and BOLD in choosing what you really want.
Every decision made determines your future and your happiness.

 

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Rancor

Heart showers people with empathy

One looks with the eyes of compassion

Fully aware of people’s struggle

 

Helping hands one offers

He learns the essence of devotion

Performing action out of love

 

Beyond his sincerity

A normal human he is still

When people doubt his assiduity

Rancor may gush his being

Burdening him to walk farther

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Know Nothing

If one day, you come to me. 
After decades of endless contemplation, exploration, and discovery. 

You ask me, tell me your secrets. 
May you notice that behind my silence, my heart smiles joyously. 

And you insist, share me your wisdoms.
May you not judge to receive my humility that I know nothing

If that is the my last breath on earth.
As I close my eyes and smile eternally,
Would you do the same thing?
Feel that peacefulness and liberation. 
For I come home with and knowing nothing. 

As you experience that feeling, 
I know one day, will come your turn.

 

Happy Vesak Day!

It is…

It isn’t always about money or something material.

It doesn’t always require physical presence.

It isn’t always about something big.

It isn’t always about great ideas.

It doesn’t need to wait until we think we’re ready.

It is about nothing but the truth that everyone is made of Love and Light….

that when one is aware of the presence of another beautiful Love and Light….

….one’s heart is touched and one’s soul is dancing.

“Giving.”

 

Facebook, May 6, 2014.

Whisper’s Belief

Alone without loneliness
Reasons incessantly sought
As failure comes near
Courage is built
Will is summoned
Wisdom is cultivated
Peace is felt
A big smile starts to show up

Fall teaches how to fly
Disappointment reminds to adjust expectation
Pain is a practice to let go

With eyes closed
Imagination is built
Without any knowledge
Ready to start anew
Banishing the doubts;
infinite possibilities will do wonder
“I will arrive there,” says the whisper

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