You paint my color blue. Get mesmerized by the beauty you perceive is apparent in me. “It is your true color”, the echoing words you speak out loud in my ears.
This blue makes me feel so blue. If it’s beauty, why then I lose the sense of joy? Shouldn’t beauty, just like love, make me feel like a sunbeam touching my heart, make the world stop revolving for a minute as it is dancing freely under the sun?
The sky and the sea, blue does make them look enchanting and hypnotizing. I want to be as limitless as the sky, as vast and extravagant as the sea, but I am what I am. None of them I am and should be. I just – shouldn’t be blue.
“You are blue because you are blue.”
That feeling – when I should be no one but the very self I found when I closed my eyes and felt my breath. I am missing it. I am just blue – inside, outside. I am too overwhelmed by this change. Is it my fate to be blue? Is fate cruel enough to force me dispossessing self-love I have built all this time?
Stop forcing me. Your doctrine is of no use. You make me even feel more uncomfortable being blue. I know I should not have trusted you from the beginning. I should not have let you change my color. I should have stuck with the old me. I am not blue. I know I am meant to be yellow, like the color of the bedazzled twinkling stars at night or the glare of the sun, the giver of life, as it salutes me in the morning.
“You are now blue. No escape, fortunately.”
Fortunately – I think you missed the prefix ‘un’. I hate you. Get away. I have followed the wrong voice. I will not allow you to drive my course anymore.
I sober. I keep on asking and the answers keep changing from moment to moment, but nothing can stop me from throwing questions. The more I ask, the more I feel like I am closer to get the correct answer – the truth? But, I know I am actually going nowhere.
I finally decide to walk to the tall mirror in my room. I need to summon my strength to embrace the person I am going to see there, thus I have my eyes closed. Inhale deeply, exhale fully – I unconsciously let myself surrender. As I open my eyes, I am surprised to discover the feeling of peace and joy. I begin to touch every inch of my blue, sprinkling it with love. I slow down, I dwell in the activity of experiencing, nothing comes in my head, neither judgment nor expectation. I just be. I am blue – nothing more, nothing less. Isn’t it very intriguing, that after my long inquests, my incessant accusations, the truth reveals itself in the most unexpected way, the most unutterable form, simply when I am able to listen in silent. When I somehow forget about the existence of time, there is neither beginning nor ending – I lose the urge to strive.
“One less experience and you wouldn’t be you. You are not cultivating anything, you are only discovering. Enjoy yellow,” I hear your whisper as you are fading away from my view with your mysterious smile.
Happy 25th Birthday Dear Soul Sister, Agnes Pranindita.
This is my promise to you together with my response to your question: “when you can’t seem to find the answers to your questions about life, will you stop asking?”
Love & Light, as always.